What do driving and dating have in common?
 Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.

Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. 1st jumps and says, "Beer!" & the pool is full of beer. The 2nd jumps, says, "Money!" & the pool is full of money.
The last one starts to jump but slips, falls & yells, "SHIIIIIIT!!!"

I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

Important note from a car manual: 
Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.

I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.

"So what are you doing today?"
"Nothing."
"What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!"
"That's right, and I'm not finished yet."

The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.

What are mixed feelings?
Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

On a first date......
Him: “I work with animals every day!”
Her: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
Him: “I’m a butcher.”

Her: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go… 
Him: Just call in sick then.

A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both, you go to yours & I'll go to mine.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

A woman goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The woman replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't know her."

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!"
The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." 
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

What does a condom & a coffin have in common?
They both hold stiffs but 1 is coming & 1 is going

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob

What's the diff between a hooker & drug dealer?
​A hooker can wash her crack & resell it

What does the sign on a closed brothel say?
​Beat it! We're closed.

What is the diff between a tire & 365 used condoms?
​1 is a Goodyear, the other is a GREAT year

"Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”
“A bartender, my boy.”

Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?
He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.

Two kids talking:
“I painted something for last year’s academy.”
“Was it hung?”
“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.”
“Congratulations! What was it?”
“A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”
Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”
Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”